What Hurts Most
by Teharissa
Summary: Robin had been so sure. Sure it was Slade, not the Joker. The Joker couldn't be in Jump. But he was, and he came as a messenger. Or: In which Dick discovers his brother was murdered and goes back to Gotham to yell at Bruce.
1. Chapter 1

**I was in the mood for a Jason Todd in Teen Titans fic without any actual Jason Todd in Teen Titans. I made this.**

 **I do not own Teen Titans.**

* * *

Robin had been _so_ sure. Certain that Slade was planning this- hoping to catch him off guard and remind him of his past. The panic and _madness_ that was running rampant in Jump City had to be the doing of Slade. Not the Joker. The Joker couldn't be in Jump.

But he was. There was no denying that fact now- not with the crazy, hysterical laughs bouncing off the walls. When a figure clad in red and black stood beside him, both hands holding a large mallet. And of course, there was no denying the figure himself- sickly white skin and yellow teeth stretched into an all to familiar smile.

The worst part was the lack of backup- Kory, Rachel, and Victor were handling the HIVE downtown. Robin had chosen Garfield on his friends insistence- his need for backup "outweighing" theirs.

But now he regretted it, watching Garfield back into the wall with wide, terrified eyes. Of course he had seen the news, heard the stories, and watched as Gotham's innocent were murdered by this madman. Robin knew firsthand what it felt like to cross Joker- several painful scars made sure to remind him of that.

Finally the laughing died down, and the Joker simply watched. Not moving, not even blinking. Harley Quinn glanced between the two of them, practically shaking in visible excitement. They were waiting. Robin knew if he didn't break the silence eventually- _silence, something the Joker almost never did. Robin pushed down his feelings of pure, unadulterated terror-_ that it would probably continue until either party died.

"What do you want, Joker?" His voice was monotone, eyes narrowed behind the mask. Joker's smile stretched, as he walked slowly towards Robin. Out of instinct, Robin moved back- taking slow steps back as the Joker approached.

"Well bird boy, that's an interesting question! So glad you asked!" Joker tapped his lip thoughtfully, "What do I want, what do I want? I want so many things!"

"Fine. Why are you here?" Robin asked.

"We were just here to pay our favorite bird boy a visit- isn't that right Mistah J!" Harley Quinn spoke, lifting the mallet so it rested on her shoulder. Garfield shrunk at the sight of her, staying silent.

"Indeed we were, Robbie-poo. Honestly, greeting old friends this way- such a pity." Joker said, "The second boy blunder wasn't nearly as much fun to play with!"

Robin froze, face paling instantly. Jason. This wasn't some random drop in- _Joker never had done that before anyway._ His terror melted away, replaced by a blind rage. His fists clenched, logical reason going out the window. He moved forward so he stood a foot away from the Joker ( _bad idea, Joker is dangerous_ ).

"Don't you ever touch him." Robin whispered, allowing venom to fill his voice. At this distance he could see the Joker's face in pained detail- the dried skin on his forehead, the red lips that contrasted so deeply with his pale coloring, the pure insanity in his eyes. It was something Robin didn't back down from, even when another laugh burst from Joker's throat.

"What's so funny? Did you even listen to what I said?" Robin spat, one hand moving to touch his bo staff lightly.

"Oh I listened birdboy! You need not worry, I won't touch him." Joker wiped imaginary tears from his eyes, before his voice became darker- taunting, but deadly, "No one will ever touch him again."

Robin's domino mask widened, mind flashing to memories- memories of the second Robin, the one who patrolled in Gotham ( _He still did, there was no way, Bruce would have told me, Jason is fine, Jason is okay, Joker is lying, Don't trust Joker)_. He struggled for words, already feeling pure rage fill his system.

"He didn't scream- I'll admit, it was disappointing." Joker sighed dramatically, "Oh well. Guess it doesn't matter."

"It's not true- you're lying." Robin managed, satisfying himself with grinding his teeth and dropping his bo staff. Instead reaching for a…. deadlier…. weapon.

"Did the big bad bat ever tell you? What it was like to carry his limp, bloody body?" Joker taunted, "How-"

"I'm going to kill you!" Robin whipped out the knife, moving to pounce on Joker's and slit his throat. A scream from Garfield erupted, and a sudden pain in his head. He fell, hand releasing the knife (Bruce always made Dick carry on around in Gotham- it wasn't safe. It was an odd habit to keep a knife on him now), and watching his vision black out. The last thing he saw was a pair of red boots.

* * *

" _So you just plan on leaving? Why?" Jason leaned against the door of Dick's room, watching him stuff items into his backpack._

" _Why do you think?" Dick eyed a batarang, before casually throwing it into the bag. Maybe he could make a new prototype in, wherever he was going. He could call them birdarangs. Or wingdings._

 _Jason didn't answer, instead choosing to stuff his hands in his pockets and muster up a nonchalant expression. Trying to disguise his hurt and confusion behind his "tough boy" act. Dick sighed, before elaborating._

" _I just need to get out. Why do you care?" He didn't mention the bullet. He didn't mention being fired. He didn't mention being replaced._

" _I don't know. Maybe because you're my idol- dare I say my brother?"_

" _You are not my brother." Dick zipped his bag, "And we are done here."_

 _Regret and guilt filled him almost instantly, and locating the quickest way of escape, Dick made his way over to the window and jumped. Cold air blasted him in the face- allowing him to momentarily forget the pain he inflicted. He didn't look back._

* * *

Dick awoke to the sound of beeping. When he opened his eyes, ignoring how crust clung to the sides, he saw the team standing over him. Worried looks were exchanged, and Dick vaguely noticed the restraints holding him down. They were right not to trust him- he had tried to kill the Joker. Still wanted to. Garfield had probably told them what happened.

He let his head hit the pillow again with a thump. There was a certain hollowness in his heart, one that he knew would never go away. His stomach clenched and he felt pricks at his eyes. He held himself together though, not allowing the pain of what happened to get through to him.

"Robin. What happened?" Victor crossed his arms and held fast, not letting him avoid this confrontation. Probably for the best, Dick supposed.

"Nothing." Dick wanted to take his mask off and let the tears fall, but he didn't, "We met Joker, Harley knocked me out, and then I woke up here."

"It's more than that." Rachel looked at him with cold eyes, "Beastboy told us. You tried to kill Joker."

"I'd be doing the world a favor." Dick said, testing the restraints gingerly. Rachel noticed, and her expression hardened.

"Heroes don't kill." Kory whispered, turning her head away to face the wall. Dick tried to ignore the fact that he was the one who taught her that. And how, if given the chance, wouldn't hesitate to kill the Joker again.

"Dude, something else happened." Garfield chose that moment to speak, "What was it?"

"What do you mean?" Dick felt the first tear form, and his mask thankfully concealing it from his team. They couldn't see Dick like this- they couldn't know.

"You were talking about someone. Someone dead." Garfield said it flatly, and Dick was reminded that he knew what loss was like- his parents were killed before them. How ironic- Dick went through the same thing. Of course, the team didn't know that.

"Is that true, Robin?" Kory asked, eyes widening comically. He stayed silent, which was answer enough for the team.

"Who was it?" Victor sounded sympathetic, reaching out a hand to comfort him, but Dick flinched away.

"No one." Robin felt the tear trickle out from under his mask- out where they all could see it. And they did- they were giving him looks of concern and worry, "I just- I need to be alone."

"No leaving the tower." Rachel said, waiting for him to nod. When she was satisfied, she lifted the restraints.

Dick hesitantly got up, knowing that they were still so desperate to question him. He hurried out of the room though, knowing that he was going to pay for sneaking out later- but he needed this. He needed to see Alfred and… he needed to confront Bruce.

After changing into a pair of clothes, he snuck into the garage. The Titans were still in the infirmary, talking. Talking about him, he was sure. This was new territory for them- their fearless leader breaking down and crying. Sure, it was only a single tear, but it conveyed weakness. Something that they were sure he didn't have.

He got onto the R-Cycle, not even bothering to put on a helmet before he took off. Down the familiar road to Gotham.

* * *

When he finally reached Wayne Manor, he barely had to knock before Alfred opened the door. Dick had been unable to produce more tears- he had cried on the ride here, letting his sobs disappear in the wind- but he knew that his face was sticky and red. Alfred, though he noticed, didn't comment. Instead he chose to pull Dick inside the mansion, and guide him gently to the main living area.

Alfred left for a moment, before coming back with a mug of hot chocolate- the kind Dick used to have when he first moved here. He offered it to Dick, before sitting down beside him on the couch.

"Why didn't he tell me?" Dick asked hoarsely, taking a sip of the hot chocolate. It burned his tongue, but Dick didn't really care.

"Master Bruce has been torn up over this, I'm afraid. Don't blame him too much." Alfred's mouth tightened into a thin line- a clear sign that he wished Bruce had contacted Dick sooner.

"But I should have known." Dick clutched the cup tighter, his knuckles turning white.

"Rest. You need it." Alfred said, before getting up. Dick watched him skeptically, before sighing. Had it only been ten hours since Joker attacked? It felt like weeks. Maybe he should take a nap...

* * *

Bruce hadn't expected to come back from patrol, and find his ward ( _son, Bruce thought to himself_ ) curled up on his couch. It had been a year since Dick had last seen Bruce, and he had grown- something Bruce wished he had been there for.

Dick was a mess- hair caked in gel, and scattered every which way from falling asleep. A tan line surrounded his eyes (Jason would had laughed at that- Jason would have teased Dick endlessly), clearly from wearing his mask too often. Bruce moved over to Dick, gently placing a hand on his forehead. To remind him that Dick was alive, and here, and _okay_.

"Bruce?" Dick looked up through squinted eyes. Bruce removed his hand.

"Dick." Bruce kept his voice short and even, not sure what to say. Parenting had never been his strong suit, much less talking to a child you hadn't seen in a year after they ran away. Parenting was hard- especially if your kid died. Bruce squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, allowing a momentary flare in anger and depression before focusing on the other boy in front of him.

"What time is this?" Dick got up, rubbing his eyes and moving to check his communicator.

"Its 1:23."

"Thanks." Dick muttered, clearly mad at him. Bruce couldn't blame him. After another minute, Dick began again, "So I heard Batman put Joker in a body cast three months ago."

"I'm sorry." Bruce cut in, but Dick waved him off.

"Why didn't you tell me? My brother has been dead for-" Dick's voice rose, "Three months. My brother is dead, and I didn't know!"

"I'm sorry." Bruce repeated, "I just- I just didn't want to hurt you."

"This hurts more." Dick pulled his knees to his chest, and Bruce's heart dropped.

"Do you want to see his grave?"

"No." Dick said, and Bruce started. Dick explained, "I don't want to see a piece of rock that says Jason's name. I just- I just want him to come home. I want it to be a lie."

"I'm sorry." Bruce said again, "I'm so sorry."

"The last time I saw him, I-" Dick stuttered, "I said he wasn't my brother. I hurt him and those were the last words I ever said to him."

Dick didn't resist the hug, instead pressing his face into Bruce's shirt and hugging back. Bruce let Dick hold him, and watched as _his son_ lost another piece of his heart. One that Bruce wasn't sure he was ever getting back.

* * *

 **In my original version of this story, there was a happy ending. I had Dick talking to Tim as the new Robin, and then like Jason coming back. But this is a much better ending I think- sometimes the happy endings ruin the story. Of course, I can always put in an alternate ending but I'm not sure I will. Also, that flashback was the last time Dick had spoken to Jason. So Dick is not only sad and depressed and angry, but also guilty and stuff.**

 **Hope anyone who read this enjoyed! And maybe cried… I don't know if my writing is that good XD**


	2. Chapter 2

**So I decided to add an alternate ending, that is about a year after the first one. This one is for anyone who wants a *somewhat* happy ending. I decided to go for the common trope of Red X is Jason, because it works pretty well. So enjoy!**

 **I do not own Teen Titans or Batman. (Did I forget to say Batman last time? I don't know.)**

* * *

Jason remembered dying- he remembered the feeling of his organs being ruptured by a rusty crowbar, that evil laugh, the acceptance in the last ten seconds of his life. The pain was sharp, intense, and made him want to keel over every time he thought of it.

But, somehow, the feeling of coming back to life was worse. It felt like every single cell on your body started exploding, like your heart was getting wrenched out of your chest, as if someone had stabbed their entire katana collection through his head. It hurt.

Jason attempted to forget that part of his life as much as possible. His death was a constant reminder of his purpose, but his reanimation was best left forgotten.

But if the Lazarus Pit taught him anything, if he had to remember one thing, Jason knew what it was. Screw being the hero.

* * *

One odd thing about dying- you never realized how much life would move on. A new Robin was in Gotham, the old Robin was in Jump City, and the Joker still terrorized the world. It was as if he had never existed.

Jason had never felt so lost when he realized he, in fact, _didn't_ exist anymore. He was legally dead, and no one knew he was still alive. They had gotten over him- as much as they could when they never cared for him anyway. Bruce always wanted him to be the perfect son, to be the original. And the original hated his guts for various reasons Jason never fully thought about. So maybe they didn't move on- maybe life just continued for them.

This thought train was what drove Jason to do something reckless, and sneak into Titans Tower. Stupid Dick- their headquarters was out in the open like some freaking target. Jason had never seen it for himself until now, and he had to say, he was unimpressed. Sneaking in was a cinch. Stealing Dick's suit was easy. And getting out was a piece of cake.

* * *

" _I thought you didn't like to play the hero."_

" _Doesn't mean I don't know how."_

Dick could hear their past conversation replay in his head- over and over as if on loop- while he confronted Red X. The other Titans were behind him, ready for battle. It had been months since Red X had popped up, and while normally Dick was more than ready to stop the villain, this time he had a hostage.

A very, very, personal hostage. Tim struggled against Red X's hold, giving him a glare that made most villains cripple. Red X didn't notice, still holding a knife to Tim's throat.

"Let him go." Dick's mind scrambled for a reason- a reason that Red X chose _Tim_ , in his _civvies._ No way this was a coincidence. Dick didn't believe in coincidences.

"Why should I? After all, he was a perfect replacement- wasn't he Goldie?" Red X growled, and Dick froze. The team exchanged looks, and Tim's eyes widened as he tried to talk through the gag. A thousand situations rushed through Dick's head, leaving him with only one solution. It couldn't be...

"What are you talking about?" Rachel asked, flying up higher. She could sense the distress coming off Dick- and maybe Red X too. Red X started to answer, only to be broken by Dick's half formed thoughts.

"Jason?" Dick's voice was pathetic and all so small, but when Jason flinched Dick knew he had guessed right, "Jason!"

"Shut up!" Jason shouted, "Don't call me that."

"Let him go, and we can talk." Dick dropped his bo staff- hoping his voice had some strength as his heart cried out for the boy that was _dead, was supposed to be gone-_ and approached Jason- almost like he was approaching a wild wolf.

"What's to talk about- you hate me. I've always known that." Jason's expression hardened, "And you replaced me."

Dick raised his hands, flinching at Jason's words. People always said that in death, people would forgive you. That they wouldn't want you to do this, or that. But Dick knew better- Jason was sad, and angry and lost and somehow alive. He hadn't forgiven- Dick didn't deserve it yet. But he was determined to make Jason see how much people cared for him.

"I don't hate you." Dick said, moving in closer. He was about four feet away, moving at a snail's pace. The Titans seemed to be at a standstill, watching in silent confusion as Dick showed sympathy to one of their villains.

"Liar." Jason shifted, "Not denying that you replaced me? That you guys never cared about me? That I was just a cheap means to an end?"

"What happened to you?" Dick's voice was pained, and he stepped closer- only a few more feet to go, "We cared, Jason. We were torn apart, and we could barely get by. You meant something."

"I said don't call me that!" Jason clutched Tim tighter- ignoring the smaller boy's yelp of pain. All of his focus and attention was on Dick, who kept approaching. Steadily moving towards his brothers, hoping to save them both.

"Jason, I just want to help." Dick was _so close_. He reached a hand out to touch Jason's arm, hoping to carefully move his arms away. But Jason seemed to panic at the contact, jerking his arm away- _and slitting Tim's throat._

Dick watched in slow motion, as Jason ran to the window- running from his problems, while Tim fell, the neck wound (shallower than initially anticipated- still dangerous, yet not fatal- at least not yet) sending a slow trickle of blood down his shirt. Dick's eyes widened, immediately rushing to Tim, gathering him into his arms and hoping to save him.

"Raven! Help!" Dick said between gritted teeth, and Rachel hurried over to help Tim. He then turned to the rest of the team, trying to ignore the anger and fear and _disappointment_ come through, "Go after Red X. Capture him."

The rest of the night was a blur of emotions and colors, rushing Tim to the tower, the Titans coming back with no sign of Red X, and Dick ripping open every punching bag they owned. The Jason Dick had known was gone, Dick had to accept that. He had _tried to kill Tim._ Sure, it was partially accidental, but Tim's life hung in the balance because Dick tried to save someone that _couldn't_ be saved.

Dick vowed that if he ever saw Jason again, he would not make the same mistake. He would make sure Jason went to jail, that he paid for what he did to Tim, to the Titans, to _Dick._

Meanwhile, Jason held his head in his hands and sank into his bed. Misery took over, and he wished he had taken Dick's offer, his hand, and allowed himself to be saved. He got a second chance, and he blew it. And now he was never going to get that chance again.

* * *

 **Okay, this alternate ending isn't quite happy …. Oh well. I guess it's just a continuation, to show what happened next. Not sure if I'm okay with it, I think the first part was better. This part was kind of, eh.**

 **I tried to go in character for Dick's reaction to Jason, which was actually pretty hard. But after Jason kind of almost killed Tim, I knew Dick wasn't going to forgive him. It would be too happy, but also too… illogical… for this version of Dick to just forgive and attempt to get to Jason again after that- especially when you add up all of the things Jason did to them as Red X before he kind of revealed himself. I like to think much later, Jason and Dick do make some sort of truce, and the beginnings of a happier relationship, and that Jason starts dating Roy and Kory. And obviously Kory has forgiven him at that point.**

 **Final Note: I basically refer to the Titans with their real names, yet when they talk to each other they use their superhero names. I do this because I prefer using their real names, but in canon they say Beast Boy, instead of Garfield, and I wanted to stay true to that.**


End file.
